As a therapist, one of the red flags I often see in couples or individuals in relationships is the claim that everything is “great” because they “never argue.” Contrary to popular belief, the absence of arguments in a relationship isn’t necessarily a sign of harmony. Arguments—when done productively—can be a vital tool for expressing ourselves, advocating on our behalf, and arriving at compromises that strengthen the relationship.
What is the difference between a healthy and unhealthy argument?
When discussing arguments, it’s essential to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy arguments.
Unhealthy Arguments:
Unhealthy arguments often arise when one or both partners are in an emotionally heightened state—let’s say around a 6/10 or higher on the emotional intensity scale. At this level of emotion, cooperation flies out the window, and the conversation becomes less about solving a problem and more about hurling verbal daggers at one another. The focus shifts from resolving an issue to winning the argument or inflicting hurt, which can be deeply damaging to the relationship.
Healthy Arguments:
In contrast, healthy arguments are characterized by a lower emotional intensity, where both partners remain calm and focused on cooperation. The goal is to work together to find a solution that satisfies both parties or, at the very least, to understand one another’s perspective. One critical component of a healthy argument is the ability to recognize when emotions are starting to run high—when that 6/10 threshold is approaching—and to take a break. It’s perfectly okay, and recommended, to say, “You know what? This isn’t working right now. Let’s revisit this.” But it’s crucial not to leave it at that. Instead, specify a time and place to continue the conversation. For example, saying, “Let’s talk about this tomorrow after dinner,” ensures that the discussion will happen, especially for those with an insecure attachment style who might otherwise feel abandoned.
What is an Example of a Good Argument?
When both parties express their preferences and dislikes which is assertive communication, AND, the listener creates a safe space and responds using active listening skills, which allows for a disagreement to be discussed effectively. For example, two friends have different political points of view, and both feel very passionate about their stance and may struggle with hearing their friend’s view. A healthy argument will portray both parties expressing their preferences mindfully and holding the space to hear the other’s perspective. Mindful discussions take into consideration how information may land while still speaking authentically. Both parties can express their disagreement about specific issues and simultaneously acknowledge the differences in opinion. This interaction excludes name-calling, judging, and labeling, and rather includes active listening, and summarizing what the speaker says.
What are the Three Tips for Effective Arguments?
1- Focus on one specific issue at a time. Unhealthy arguments often spiral into arguments about everything that’s ever happened in the relationship. This approach is overwhelming and counterproductive. Instead, it’s important to focus on the issue at hand or one specific instance of behavior, making it easier to address and resolve.
2- Timing – Be sure to not address a sensitive issue when a person is sick, tired, running late, or perhaps even when driving together. It’s best to be face to face, giving someone your full attention, and setting up the conversation where they can hear you.
3- Specify “I-Statements,” and not “You-statements.” For example, “I like this policy because…” and not “You shouldn’t vote for this because…”
Sipan Nazaryan is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Anger Management Counselor with offices in Sherman Oaks and Glendale. He works with adults and teens providing a comfortable and confidential environment for in-person sessions and telehealth appointments. Sipan has helped numerous people manage their aggressive behavior and their mental health journey. He facilitates numerous weekly anger management classes. Fluent in both English and Armenian, Sipan brings a culturally sensitive approach to his practice, making him accessible to a broad range of individuals seeking mental health support.
