How Do You Release Resentment? 

Managing Resentment When Faced with Obligations

Friends, family, and work can be filled with obligations such as attending a holiday party, fulfilling a favor for a friend, completing a work task for a colleague, or meeting family expectations. Time and time again, we are met with the pressure to be open and available because it is something we “have” to do or “should” be doing. When this feeling is suppressed and not released effectively, resentment can creep in and build. Most of the time, resentment builds when we engage in activities or events out of obligation rather than out of choice. It may be time to ask yourself, am I feeling overwhelmed? What are the expectations I am putting on myself? Are they too high or unrealistic? Answering these questions can help bring awareness to where these emotions are coming from. Feeling obligated to do something can have an emotional weight on us and impact our overall well-being. We can learn to manage requests by being clear about our needs and setting boundaries with others. 

What emotion is behind resentment?

Resentment can feel like a build-up of anger. Resentment and anger are closely related but differ in their duration and intensity. Anger is felt when we have been wronged, our expectations have been violated, and something impedes in the way of our goal.  Anger tends to be a more reactive response to an immediate threat or situation. Similar to anger, resentment has plenty of underlying issues that linger and build up when unaddressed. Resentment can intensify over time and become an ongoing feeling stemming from unresolved conflict and unmet expectations. 

For example, let’s say you have a friend who tends to never be on time and they cancel plans at the last minute. The first couple of times, you may feel a spike of anger since you expect your friend to be on time. You may even wonder if this friend is considerate or respectful of your time. Resentment builds as your friend continues to be late. If the issue of time is not addressed, your resentment towards your friend will grow which leads to a conflict in the relationship.

What does it mean to have an obligation?

Feeling obligated to say “yes” and accommodating others when you prefer to say “no” can emerge from our beliefs, stemming from childhood experiences and expanding into societal or cultural norms and expectations. To have an obligation to someone or something can feel like having an internal voice telling you that you have no other choices or options. It is a belief that one should act out of loyalty, duty, or even love. This becomes very challenging when an obligation is met with a feeling of guilt where you may feel a great sense of responsibility to be there for others. However, what if the guilt is met with someone you resent? This may look like another internal voice telling you, “I don’t have to do anything for them”. This internal sensation of a push-pull can impact our emotions and sense of self. 

How do I say no to an obligation? 

Set boundaries: Honor your own needs and protect your peace by setting clear boundaries with yourself and with others. The first step to setting a boundary is through gaining a deeper awareness of who you are. The better you know yourself, the stronger your boundaries will be. When you are setting a boundary, know that you are not “rejecting” or “disrespecting” others, rather you are protecting and respecting your emotional limits. It is okay to set limits with those around you, especially if you know that it is going to leave you feeling drained or impact your overall well-being. 

Communicate your needs: It can be helpful to communicate your needs and express why you may be struggling with a request or obligation from others. Imagine a scenario where a friend is asking you to help them move into their new apartment, but you may feel exhausted from work and need a day for yourself. You could say, “I really want to help you move, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need some time to myself to recharge. I am available this Saturday afternoon to help you, would that work for you?” A phrase like this could help you relieve a sense of pressure or guilt. When these feelings are left unmanaged, it can lead to feelings of resentment. In return, the other person can gain a deeper understanding of your thoughts and feelings. 

If you are finding it difficult to manage your anger, negative thought process, and unhelpful beliefs – seek professional help from a Los Angeles Therapist with a background in anger management. Here at Anger Management 818, we offer Anger Management courses catered to individuals, couples, and relationships. We offer anger management classes in multiple locations including Glendale, Pasadena, Sherman Oaks, Woodland Hills, and nationwide virtually. Reach out today to learn more and find the class that works for you.