Negative Beliefs and How They Fuel Anger

Beliefs can be best explained as what we have learned about ourselves, others, and the world around us. They are developed from childhood experiences and our current environment from social media to family/friends, school, and work. Depending on the belief, whether healthy or unhealthy, it can impact one’s perception of a situation which triggers an emotion such as anger. Let us use the analogy of a pressure cooker to understand how negative beliefs can lead to anger. A negative belief may be constantly present in one’s mind, just like the water inside a pressure cooker. As heat (the trigger) is sourced toward the pressure cooker, steam (anger) is built up. 

Let’s look at an Example – When the Dishes are Not Done

Imagine coming home to find the dishes that you asked your partner to do have not been done. Instead, you come home to find your partner watching a movie. You may have a negative belief such as, “They never take on any of the responsibilities in this house, it always falls on me” This belief can stem from the past such as a childhood experience or relationship history where plenty of responsibility would fall on your shoulders. Instead of calmly asking or reminding your partner about the dishes, a full-blown argument ensues. In this example, your reaction is fueled by a negative belief, which leads to anger. 

How Can You Speak in a Productive Way?

The first step would be to recognize and acknowledge the unhealthy negative beliefs. Then, you can approach the situation differently and say something along the lines of, “I noticed the dishes are not done yet. I am feeling overwhelmed because I was hoping to not have to worry about them tonight since I had a long day”. This response utilizes an observation and “I” statement, without placing the blame on your partner or causing them to become defensive, potentially leading to a bigger argument. After you express your feelings, you may choose to offer a solution such as, “Would you be able to do the dishes later on after we have dinner, and maybe next time we can split the cleaning responsibilities more evenly?” This response is healthier, avoids blame, and focuses on communicating your needs and finding a solution more effectively. 

This sort of healthy response will elicit a healthier view of your negative belief, leading to decreased triggers, improved communication, and a stronger relationship. A healthier viewpoint would look like, “The dishes were not done. Maybe they had a stressful day too or just forgot”. This viewpoint displays understanding and empathy; it offers a shift in perspective to see things from your partner’s eyes. Remember – developing a healthier viewpoint is a skill that requires practice and patience. Anger is a natural, healthy, and human emotion. However, it does not need to feel uncontrollable within yourself. 

8 Tips to Recognize Negative Beliefs and Ways To Manage Them: 

1. Ask yourself, what thoughts are fueling my anger? What does it feel like in my body? 
2. Challenge the thoughts. Ask yourself, is this thought helpful or realistic? 
3. Practice empathy and shifting the perspective 
4. Figure out what is in your control versus what is not in your control 
5. Re-frame or re-write negative beliefs to more realistic and empowering ones
6. Journal your thoughts, feelings, and the triggering situation 
7. Practice acceptance and focus on what you can change and influence
8. Seek professional help from a therapist or counselor

 

If you are finding it difficult to manage your anger, unhealthy communication style, and unhelpful beliefs – seek professional help from a Los Angeles Therapist with a background in anger management. Here at Anger Management 818, we offer Anger Management courses catered to individuals, couples, and relationships. We offer anger management classes in multiple locations including Glendale, Pasadena, Sherman Oaks, Woodland Hills, and nationwide virtually. Reach out today to learn more and find the class that works for you.