Why Do I Need to be in Control? 

Why Being in Control is Crucial for Managing Anger

Anger is a natural and universal emotion. It’s part of the human experience, a reaction to perceived threats, injustices, or frustrations. Yet, unchecked anger can wreak havoc on our relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. At its core, managing anger effectively requires one fundamental skill: the ability to stay in control.

Is Anger a Secondary Emotion?

To understand why control is so important, it’s crucial to recognize that anger is often a secondary emotion. This means that beneath the surface of our anger lies something deeper, such as fear, hurt, shame, or sadness. For many, anger feels more manageable or socially acceptable than vulnerability, so we default to it as a protective emotion. It’s easier to lash out in frustration than to admit that someone’s words hurt us or that a situation feels overwhelming.

When we don’t understand our anger, we often lose touch with these underlying emotions. This can lead to a cycle of miscommunication and unresolved issues. By staying regulated, we give ourselves the chance to slow down, reflect, and address the root causes of our frustration rather than just the symptoms.

Why is Showing Vulnerability So Difficult for Me?

For many people, the fear of being vulnerable plays a significant role in why anger can feel so overpowering. Vulnerability requires us to expose our emotions and admit when we feel weak, scared, or hurt. It’s not easy, especially if we’ve been conditioned to see vulnerability as a sign of failure or if we’re used to being in control.

When life feels uncertain, maintaining control can become a coping mechanism. However, this desire for control can sometimes backfire, especially when we encounter situations where control isn’t possible. For instance, we can’t control other people’s actions or external circumstances, but we can control how we react. At best, we can influence those around us but not control. The key is learning to tolerate emotional discomfort and resist the urge to suppress or mask it with anger.

How To Regulate Anger? Recognizing Emotional Distress and Control

One of the reasons anger becomes our go-to response is that it can temporarily mask emotional distress. Anger feels powerful and energizing, while emotions like sadness or fear can feel draining and paralyzing. Yet, this avoidance of emotional distress often leads to more significant problems in the long run. Bottling up emotions, which leads to expressing them through anger, can strain relationships, damage trust, and prevent personal growth.

Regulating and navigating through anger means developing the emotional resilience to sit with uncomfortable feelings. It means recognizing that distress, though difficult, is a natural part of life and doesn’t have to dictate our behavior. When we’re able to tolerate emotional distress, we’re less likely to act out in anger and more likely to address challenges constructively.

How Do I Let Go?

Ironically, our work in an anger management program requires letting go of the need to control everything else. It’s about embracing vulnerability and being honest with ourselves and others about what we’re feeling. This can be incredibly challenging, especially if we’ve spent years building walls around our emotions to protect ourselves from pain. But true strength lies in the ability to face our feelings head-on.

By acknowledging and addressing the deeper emotions beneath our anger, we can break free from the cycle of reactivity. This doesn’t mean suppressing anger or pretending it doesn’t exist. Instead, it means recognizing anger as a signal and responding to it with awareness and intention.

What are Some Practical Steps to Stay in Control?

  1. Pause and Breathe: When anger starts to rise, take a moment to pause. Deep breathing, and exhaling longer than inhaling can help calm your nervous system and give you time to think before reacting.
  2. Identify the Trigger: Ask yourself what’s really bothering you. Are you hurt? Frustrated? Afraid? Naming the underlying emotion can help you address it more effectively.
  3. Accept Vulnerability: Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel hurt or scared. These emotions don’t make you weak; they make you human.
  4. Seek Support: Talk to someone you trust about your feelings. Sharing your vulnerability can strengthen relationships and help you process emotions in a healthy way.
  5. Practice Emotional Tolerance: Build your capacity to tolerate discomfort by practicing mindfulness, journaling, or seeking professional help if needed.
  6. Practice Impulse Control: Pause and count to ten before responding. This simple delay helps interrupt reactive impulses and gives you time to think more clearly about your words and actions. You can also practice Choice Awareness to help with impulse control, choosing to be more mindful in your approach rather than being on autopilot and repeating the same behavior. 

How Do I Stay In Control?

Staying in control isn’t about suppressing anger or avoiding difficult emotions. It’s about creating space to understand and address what’s really going on beneath the surface. It’s about finding the courage to be vulnerable and the strength to handle emotional distress without letting it dictate our actions.

By learning to stay in control, we empower ourselves to navigate life’s challenges with clarity and compassion. In doing so, we manage our anger more effectively and create deeper, more meaningful connections with ourselves and those around us.

Anita Avedian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (License # LMFT 38403) and a Certified Anger Management Specialist (CAMS_IV) and has been practicing psychotherapy since 1996. She is the Executive Director of Avedian Counseling Center, Anger Management 818, with offices throughout Los Angeles, and Anger Management Essentials, Inc. Anita is a Diplomat Member of the National Anger Management Association (NAMA) and the Co-Founder of the California Association of Anger Management Providers (CAAMP). She authored Anger Management Essentials, a workbook for aggression, which has been translated into Spanish, Armenian, and Hebrew, as well as the teen’s workbook, which has been translated into Spanish and English.  Recently, the Facilitator’s Manual has been published with reproducible worksheets. Anita is a NAMA and CAAMP-approved trainer and supervisor and offers monthly training via Zoom and private training nationwide to agencies. 

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