The Best Anger Management Tips to Implement Right Away

One of my favorite tips for anger management is simple yet can be so challenging. As a Seasoned Certified Anger Management Specialist and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the Los Angeles area, I’ve noticed something remarkably consistent: the moment people start cursing while angry, the intensity climbs. Voices get louder, tone becomes more aggressive, and the bodies get tenser. The conversation becomes more about “winning” instead of problem-solving. As much as we can be passionate and want to express freely when we are upset, it’s vital that we tweak a few minor habits that can play a pivotal role in our communication and how we are received. Isn’t the goal of communicating to be heard? If that is your goal, then continue reading the blog post. If that’s not your goal, you’re not ready to hear this! 

Don’t Swear When You’re Angry

Did you know that cursing escalates your anger and can lead to aggressive behavior? If you don’t believe me, try it out. Try communicating without cursing, and notice the language shift that stops escalation. Also, note the difference in your level of anger. If you do curse, notice if that helps you become calmer. It may be venting, but guess what? Venting is found to be ineffective. I’m sure it may feel cathartic momentarily, but what about shortly thereafter, or the next day? How has your yelling and swearing at your friend or partner affected your relationship? 

The good news is that the reverse is true. When people swap cursing and insults for clear descriptions of what’s happening and what they’re feeling, they often calm down. This isn’t about “good manners”; rather, a practical, brain-based anger skill. 

Why Cursing While Angry Escalates the Situation

1- Swearing is emotionally loaded, and a high-voltage language for your nervous system. But when you’re angry, the last thing you want is “more activation.”

2- Cursing can be experienced as verbal aggression by folks. Even if you’re just expressing yourself, swearing during an argument can easily seem hostile and intimidating. Swearing can change the emotional climate of your surroundings. 

3- Pay attention to the swearing and arousal as a feedback loop, meaning when people are emotionally aroused, they curse more frequently. Arousal makes swearing easier to access. 

Describe the Behavior You Don’t Like Instead of Labeling the Person

Have you ever wondered why your communication doesn’t work as well as you’d like? Any chance you’re labeling and categorizing instead of stating the specific behavior you don’t like? Naming feelings reduces emotional reactivity in the brain. Putting feelings into words can reduce their intensity. Notice the difference between the following two scenarios:

Labeling scenario – “You’re so lazy and don’t help out around the house. These dishes never get done.”

Observation and request scenario – “I’d like for you to rinse and put away the dishes so that the sink stays clear. I get overwhelmed when I see dishes in the sink.”

You’re still asking for what you want and stating what you don’t like, but you are treating individuals with kindness and not destruction. 

Try to use the following formula: 

I feel (vulnerable feeling)_____ when you (specific behavior)____ . 

This is important to me because  ___________.

I would like_______. 

Make a specific request. 

How do you express your anger? What have others said about your style of communication? Are you ready to get the support you need? 

Call us at Anger Management 818 to teach some simple tips that you can implement in your daily life. 

For research related to cursing and aggressive behavior, check out – Stapleton, K., Beers Fägersten, K., Stephens, R., & Loveday, C. (2022). The power of swearing: What we know and what we don’t. Lingua, 277, 103406. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.lingua.2022.103406